Top 5 Ways You People Please as a Desi Child of Immigrants

There are definitely way more ways that we people please as children of immigrants, so know that this is NOT an exhaustive list.

But, let's get started.

1. You never ask for anything you want or need because you're scared of inconveniencing others.

See? Lilly feels it too.

This is when you basically keep your views and opinions to yourself. You don't ask others for something that might make your life just a little bit easier. You tell yourself, "It's fine", I'll be able to handle whatever comes my way.

This happens with our parents; our co-workers; our spouses; our friends and much more. You don't want to be a spoiled brat, you just want to take what you can get and be happy with it. "Be GRATEFUL".

2. You've said "I did SO much for them, and they can't even do this one thing for me"

This is a biggie! And guess who you sound like? YOUR PARENTS!!! If you haven't heard...."I did so much for you and you can't even do this for me"....then, are you even Indian?

If you bend over backwards for others, and then get frustrated that people are so selfish that they're not doing anything for you......you might be a people pleaser. You might hope that if YOU keep doing for others, it will come back to you.

You've been taught that good deeds come back to you and being selfless is the way to be in life....but unfortunately - the world doesn't work that way.

3. You don't feel good enough, no matter how much you do!

I feel this in my CORE. So many of us children of immigrants have BENT OVER BACKWARDS trying to gain the approval of our parents....we try to do well in school, get good jobs, marry good people; get married in the first place, listen to their opinions of how we should live our lives.....and our parents STILL complain!

I remember once I tried to make my mom happy by doing a bunch of chores that she always complained I didn't do. And what happened? "You didn't clean this right......you didn't deal with that". The exasperation my 17 year old self felt at that point was palpable. I decided then that NO matter what I did, she'd still be annoyed by something else I didn't do. I just couldn't win! It wasn't about ME specifically, it was whatever was going on with her. This was game changing for me.

4. You're overwhelmed by everyone opinions and expectations of you , that you just want to run away!!

   
   

Oh, you should go to THIS school....you should study that program.....you can't make money in that business.....how come you're not married yet....you're wearing THAT to the party?

Yeah, the amount of pressure that is placed on desi children of immigrants sometimes feels like the weight of the world. If I do it THIS way, someone will be mad....but if I do it THAT way - someone else will be mad. What do I want? I have NO idea!!

Sometimes you just feel like there are so many opinions and voices trying to tell you the best way to live or they want something from you and you are getting whiplash trying to focus on any one of them. Your only out is ALONE time away from all of the pressure and expectations. It's a LOT.

You're trying your best to make everyone happy, and in the process no one is.

5. You're the easy going, go with the flow, non-problematic friend.

Wait what? This is a people pleasing behaviour? Yes, my friend. It is. How? If you are the type that is cool with anything, doesn't complain much and your friends don't really feel like you have a lot of opinions, you're a people pleaser.

So many people like this don't want to ruffle any feathers. They don't want to upset anyone. They don't want to share their needs, or wants for fear that they will upset someone.

You don't think you deserve to have your voice heard, and since you might worry that you'll be rejected for it.....you keep your voice small and quiet.

If you see yourself in any of these, and you feel it's impacting your life.....then you might want to start looking into ways to reduce your people pleasing. Your needs are important; your voice is essential and you deserve to be heard and listened to. Despite what the culture tells you.

If you'd like to learn more, check out Balanced Boundaries. It's a self led course that walks you through the origins of people pleasing; how it shows up in South Asians; and what to do about it.

Balanced Boundaries